Body Image + Beauty: When It Isn’t A Skinny Day.
Editor’s Note: Today’s post is by Laura Colle. She blogs at laurajeancolle.blogspot.com, and you can follow her at @ljcolle. Also, you know how I know God is who he says he is? When I’ve heard word for word from him, enveloped in the same feelings, what someone else has – and I’ve never spoken to her a day in my life. – Lauren
My eyes open and I am greeted with the feeling that I know will help my day start off on a good foot:
I feel skinny.
Granted I am lying down and that is when gravity becomes your friend, but still, I feel skinny. As my feet hit the floor my mood is already on the upswing as I look forward to wearing those skinny jeans and maybe, just maybe a non “I want to hide my tummy” shirt. I make my way to the full length mirror and am tempted to not take a look, afraid my early morning high will be deflated. I take a deep breath, lift my over sized sleep shirt just so, and yes! I cant believe it - my tummy actually looks flatter! There is a God!
I had to stop myself from actually jumping up and down and letting out a “yipee!” I have been going to the gym, pushing myself a little bit and actually been eating pretty good. Ok, so when I get a bit overwhelmed I give in to that tempting bag of skittles and Diet Coke. But other then that, I have been on track and doing it right.
My eye catches the devil in the room. It has been neglected and collecting dust for months in fear of the truth it may behold. I dread the digital red numbers as they just keep going up and up and up and up. I have avoided this horrid invention as of late, but today, I feel as though I can face my dreaded total. I get rid of all what could be excess numbers and take a step on. The math begins and just so I don’t give into the cowardliness of what it could be, I close my eyes. Silently I weight for the “beep beep”. It’s finished. It has the results of what could be the end of my “skinny”. I open my eyes and my reality is faced.
Photo by Jessica Clouse Photography
WHAT?!
It’s broken. It HAS to be broken. After all, I haven’t used it in months so that means the possibility of a malfunction is high on the list. This cannot be right.
My skinny is gone. Done. Depleted.
Okay. So I gave in a few times to the skittles. Maybe even to the mexican food. And the gym had been a little more scarce lately. But this? No. I am not suppose to see that number. I used to be this crazy health nut and had the will power of Jesus to say no to all things sweet and salty. Past few months? Not so much.
My skinny high is gone and I head to my closet, once again longing for winter so I can hide behind hoodies and scarves. I go for my default and grab the leggings that hold in my tummy and a blouse top so I don’t have to suck in.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much and I could be one of those people who just lets it all hang out anyway. But I care, way too much.
As I continue to get ready for the day I head to the shower to take care of my crazy curly mane and try and wash the feelings away. With the towel loosely around my body and my hair wrapped up I hear something that nearly knocks me to my knees. It felt so real. So alive.
God – you want me to do what? No. I can’t. I refuse. It’s ugly. It’s imperfect and I cant look at…me.
The full length mirror of terror, truth and all that is visibly wrong with me meets me as I walk into my room. I stand there as the tears start to well and let the towel hit the floor when I hear my Creator.
How dare you call what I created not good enough.
His arms capture my emotions, my mind and myself as I realize the pride that as been overtaking me for years. When all else seemed to be falling apart, I had this to control. I had this to see as something I could fix. But even then, standing in the rawness that was my imperfection, I could hear Him whisper the truth. I’m not broken.
God, thank You are fighting for me. Thank You for meeting me right where I need you – naked, dripping in humility. You created all things in Your image and in Your sight including me. Forgive me for taking over and allowing my pride to think that I can “correct” what You have already deemed perfect.
Help me in my unbelief and to stand strong in the WOMAN You have made.
For You are Creator. And I am created.
More on the topic: We love “Healthy vs. Skinny” by Darling Magazine.
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One morning I woke up and heard so clearly-
"If you were created in my image, how dare you call yourself anything but beautiful?"
Those words changed everything! Great post.
May 23, 2012 at 11:20 am
"Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much and I could be one of those people who just lets it all hang out anyway. But I care, way too much."
This is exactly how I feel about my body. When you wrote this, I realized that this is exactly what goes through my mind. I know I shouldn't care about what others think, but I do. Thank you for posting this and making me see myself in a more beautiful way. The way God created me. :)
May 23, 2012 at 11:27 am
I could've written that post myself, even down to the curly mane – except I'm not as eloquent as Laura Cole. Thank you! Spot on. I'm so created.
May 23, 2012 at 11:55 am
Wow. Breahtaking and how I feel every day.
May 23, 2012 at 12:24 pm
A great post of encouragement for those who are recovering from an Eating Disorder and struggling with the new healthy weight. 3 years, 6 months, 18 days and still struggling every single day.
May 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Jessie you are not alone in this fight! Daily I have to remind myself that this is not something that has control over me, but rather I have victory over it through Christ. Jesus conquered death, so what makes me think He cant conquer my insecurities and struggles? Remember to take a deep breath, smile and go eat something :)
May 23, 2012 at 2:06 pm
Wow oh wow! I am getting married in 16 days now and I think I've been going through this "skinny/fat" battle for the last month. Trying to explain it to my future husband is difficult, but through your story/blog, it was easier to explain! Thank you for the emotions you brought up in me and for helping me to let God really grab ahold of my heart!
May 23, 2012 at 2:33 pm
I have struggled with my body image for as long as I can remember. It's hard living in a society that says you have to look a certain way to be attractive and be worthy of love. I don't think that some people realise what this does to ones self esteem and self worth. It has taken me a long time to realise that society doesn't know best. God had created us in His image and likeness. Imagine how much we are insulting Him when we say and feeling that we are not worth anything. He loved us soo much that He gave us the ultimate sacrifice. When society is telling me daily that I am not enough I have to remember to God I am more than enough.
May 23, 2012 at 5:27 pm
this was just what I needed to read right now. i'm going to work on saying that to myself and believing that God created me in his image and i need to stop comparing myself to others or to what I think is perfect. thank you for your words.
May 23, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Thank you for sharing this truth. I will read it every day until I can truly accept that I have been created.
May 24, 2012 at 11:09 am
Laura, isn't it just so interesting how we preach endlessly to our young girls how they were created in His image and that they are loved EXACTLY as they are and yet, be cannot believe it about ourselves. Thanks for sharing. I hope it will touch many, many hearts.
May 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Well put. Lots of wisdom here.
May 24, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Ok this made me cry. I went through a depression and ate alot and gained weight and now I have a hard time fitting into my old clothes, God pulled me out of that depression and saved every once of me!!!!! Thanks for posting this article it really spoke to me! I needed to hear this and just be greatful that I the Lord loves me just the way I am!
May 24, 2012 at 7:57 pm
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I needed this today, thank you soooo much!!!!
August 13, 2012 at 7:50 pm
My bible was open to The Book of Mark as I began reading your post "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" My eyes jumped over to it as I read your words "Help me in my unbelief and to stand strong in the WOMAN You have made."
I am 36 and I go through this same thing especially since traveling the harsh and critical road of infidelity. I remember for months and months waking to the words "You are not enough" playing in my mind. It was the lullaby that put me into nightmares and woke with me each day the sun rose. I'd get out of bed and stand in front of the full length mirror and cry.
I am in a better place reading the truths of who God made me to be. My marriage is healed and I am getting acquainted with this new unfamiliar me. It is a process, but God is holding me as he held you. Love this…love you without knowing you. So happy we met through words today.
August 14, 2012 at 12:51 pm
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