Body Image + Beauty: When It Isn’t A Skinny Day.
Editor’s Note: Today’s post is by Laura Colle. She blogs at laurajeancolle.blogspot.com, and you can follow her at @ljcolle. Also, you know how I know God is who he says he is? When I’ve heard word for word from him, enveloped in the same feelings, what someone else has – and I’ve never spoken to her a day in my life. – Lauren
My eyes open and I am greeted with the feeling that I know will help my day start off on a good foot:
I feel skinny.
Granted I am lying down and that is when gravity becomes your friend, but still, I feel skinny. As my feet hit the floor my mood is already on the upswing as I look forward to wearing those skinny jeans and maybe, just maybe a non “I want to hide my tummy” shirt. I make my way to the full length mirror and am tempted to not take a look, afraid my early morning high will be deflated. I take a deep breath, lift my over sized sleep shirt just so, and yes! I cant believe it – my tummy actually looks flatter! There is a God!
I had to stop myself from actually jumping up and down and letting out a “yipee!” I have been going to the gym, pushing myself a little bit and actually been eating pretty good. Ok, so when I get a bit overwhelmed I give in to that tempting bag of skittles and Diet Coke. But other then that, I have been on track and doing it right.
My eye catches the devil in the room. It has been neglected and collecting dust for months in fear of the truth it may behold. I dread the digital red numbers as they just keep going up and up and up and up. I have avoided this horrid invention as of late, but today, I feel as though I can face my dreaded total. I get rid of all what could be excess numbers and take a step on. The math begins and just so I don’t give into the cowardliness of what it could be, I close my eyes. Silently I weight for the “beep beep”. It’s finished. It has the results of what could be the end of my “skinny”. I open my eyes and my reality is faced.
It’s broken. It HAS to be broken. After all, I haven’t used it in months so that means the possibility of a malfunction is high on the list. This cannot be right.
My skinny is gone. Done. Depleted.
Okay. So I gave in a few times to the skittles. Maybe even to the mexican food. And the gym had been a little more scarce lately. But this? No. I am not suppose to see that number. I used to be this crazy health nut and had the will power of Jesus to say no to all things sweet and salty. Past few months? Not so much.
My skinny high is gone and I head to my closet, once again longing for winter so I can hide behind hoodies and scarves. I go for my default and grab the leggings that hold in my tummy and a blouse top so I don’t have to suck in.
Sometimes I wish I didn’t care so much and I could be one of those people who just lets it all hang out anyway. But I care, way too much.
As I continue to get ready for the day I head to the shower to take care of my crazy curly mane and try and wash the feelings away. With the towel loosely around my body and my hair wrapped up I hear something that nearly knocks me to my knees. It felt so real. So alive.
God – you want me to do what? No. I can’t. I refuse. It’s ugly. It’s imperfect and I cant look at…me.
The full length mirror of terror, truth and all that is visibly wrong with me meets me as I walk into my room. I stand there as the tears start to well and let the towel hit the floor when I hear my Creator.
How dare you call what I created not good enough.
His arms capture my emotions, my mind and myself as I realize the pride that as been overtaking me for years. When all else seemed to be falling apart, I had this to control. I had this to see as something I could fix. But even then, standing in the rawness that was my imperfection, I could hear Him whisper the truth. I’m not broken.
God, thank You are fighting for me. Thank You for meeting me right where I need you – naked, dripping in humility. You created all things in Your image and in Your sight including me. Forgive me for taking over and allowing my pride to think that I can “correct” what You have already deemed perfect.
Help me in my unbelief and to stand strong in the WOMAN You have made.
For You are Creator. And I am created.
More on the topic: We love “Healthy vs. Skinny” by Darling Magazine.
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