Dear Beautiful: An Apology From A Man.
Editor’s Note: Welcome to March!! This month we are publishing open letters from men to women. I am so, so excited about it. If you are a man and want to contribute, please visit our Contribute page. Your letter can be to a specific woman, a certain kind of woman, women who have experienced ________, or to women in general. This is your chance speak encouragement, an apology, an explanation – anything you’ve been unable to say. Today’s post is by Jason. You can find him at @jasonmstauffer. – Lauren
Dear Beautiful,
I am sorry.
I want you to know that the way I treated you wasn’t a reflection of you—it was a reflection of me.
When I ignored you, and avoided eye contact. I wasn’t rejecting you; I was protecting myself from being exposed as rejected.
I recognized your beauty, and said nothing. I wanted to tell you, but even more than that, I desperately wanted to show you—to paint you a picture of your true self. But you paint with colors—not dirt.
I thought I was dirt, and I knew that you don’t serve fine wine from a clay pot.
I didn’t make time for you when you needed me to, because I saw no value in my time. I could not fathom being needed.
I withheld my love under the assumption that you had it together, and I didn’t. I felt my love was worthless. I never imagined that I could have been exactly what you needed at that moment.
I did not hold back my sarcastic comments, and hurtful jokes. I wasn’t attacking you; I was protecting myself. I was creating a “safe” distance between us.
My ignorance of your feelings, was a result of not being familiar with my own heart.
The problem with my actions wasn’t you. It took me thirty single years, a counselor, and many close friends to figure out that my problem was me—I did not feel worthy.
I lacked the realization that God’s opinion of me defines my worthiness.
If you are still waiting for someone to notice you—to show you your worth—remember that “Mr. Right*” has a lot wrong with him. And that you only have to wait for him as long as he has to wait on himself.
The tough part of life is that you—just like Jesus—have to wait for the world to recognize the Truth that’s inside of you. In the meantime, you need to know that if men are not treating you the way you want to be treated it is not your responsibility to change that. It because of them. Not because of you.
Your only obligation is to believe the truth about yourself. When that belief is alive in you, everything you have ever wanted will notice.
Love,
Jason
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Wow, thank you!!! As a girl who has had two relationships that looked exactly like this, thank you.
If only you knew how much we believed in you. How we saw sleek, strong granite under the clay veneer.
March 2, 2012 at 2:35 pm
You took the words right out of my mouth! Thank you for this post Jason!
March 2, 2012 at 4:08 pm
I agree Lindsey! I loved your granite under clay veneer analogy. I'm very willing to see the good…sadly some guys just don't give themselves a chance. :-)
March 2, 2012 at 5:23 pm
"The tough part of life is that you—just like Jesus—have to wait for the world to recognize the Truth that’s inside of you"
I love this statement. Well put! Thanks!
March 2, 2012 at 2:45 pm
love this! I actually wrote a note similar to this to a my ex-boyfriend! :D really healed me and I'm sure it healed him or is healing him.
http://www.vivalavida-journals.tumblr.com
March 2, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Absolutely brilliant. Thanks Jason for your openness and thanks Lauren for sharing this!
This hits very close to home and is going to help me immensely!
Thank you!
March 2, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Rarely do I comment on posts from here, I mostly share. But, this post made me tear up. There are so many women out there (me included) that need to hear things like this. This post gives me hope that more Men will learn to speak up before it's too late. That Men will be able to recognize a good woman while they're there and not have to write a letter of an apology because they were too broken to care.
Honestly, from my experience, Men like you, Men like this are worth the wait. I've been waiting for almost two years :)
God bless you!
March 2, 2012 at 5:20 pm
This is really really lovely. Thank you so much Jason.
My own experience involves a relationship that was great, up until… until a year and a half in the boy got scared, and every single thing described above started to happen. At the time, I figured that what Jason described was happening to my boyfriend but it still hurt like nothing I've ever felt before. It's really helpful to read it straight from a mans mouth…
However I do have a bone to pick with Jason about once sentence "if men are not treating you the way you want to be treated it is not your responsibility to change that."
While I agree that we as women can't change the way a man is behaving (that change obviously needs to come from his own heart…) I think it's just as important to remind ourselves that if we are in fact being treated badly, be it emotionally or physically, it IS still our responsibility to remove ourselves from that bad situation.
Because while we wait for the world to recognize the Truth that’s inside of all of us amazing ladies, we shouldn't waste our time, this limited time God gave us to exist on this earth, waiting around for a man to come to his senses.
March 2, 2012 at 5:53 pm
This is so lovely, thank you.
March 2, 2012 at 5:10 pm
This is what I needed to hear tonight. I just experienced these words come alive… but I am healed by His wounds, and by His love. Thanks Jason!
March 2, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Thanks for writing Jason!!
March 2, 2012 at 7:43 pm
I HOPE & PRAY MORE MEN COME FORWARD WITH HEALING IN THEIR WINGS FOR US/THE WOMEN THEY TRULY LOVE…
March 3, 2012 at 12:21 am
Almost made me cry. So honest and open. Thank you!
March 3, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Apology accecepted! :D
March 3, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Thank you for sharing, Jason…because even though I am a woman, I relate to you…not the woman on the other end of this letter. Thank you for helping me realize myself more.
March 3, 2012 at 11:01 pm
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Your open and honest words just helped to heal parts of my heart. Thank you for allowing Jesus to use you in a mighty way!!
March 7, 2012 at 6:52 pm
Thank you all for your kind words.
March 16, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Thank you so much for this, Jason. This really helped me in the healing process and confirmed the things that I couldn't put words to. God really used your piece to show me that He needs to work things out in all of us before we can be ready to love and be loved.
April 20, 2012 at 1:27 am
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Thank you for this, Jason. made me tear up. God bless you.
July 4, 2012 at 9:38 am
" you need to know that if men are not treating you the way you want to be treated it is not your responsibility to change that. It because of them. Not because of you. "
" Your only obligation is to believe the truth about yourself. When that belief is alive in you, everything you have ever wanted will notice. "
Thank you for saying that, I recently understood this, I don't define myself according to what men did to me, I define myself as me
January 21, 2013 at 5:49 am
I agree with you about needing to remove yourself from certain situations. I was speaking more about not being able to change another persons behavior.
May 10, 2012 at 3:38 pm