They Do Exist.

From The Men: Women, Sex, & The Honeymoon.

Editor’s Note: I am so excited to end this month with a post by my husband, Max Dubinsky. A few of you know our crazy Met-On-Twitter-Roadtripped-For-A-Year-Married-On-A-Cliff-Last-September story, but if not, let me simply introduce to you the greatest man I’ve ever met. A man who shows me daily why women are so valuable. A man who loves me for everything I am and everything I’m not – and a man I respect and adore. It’s so easy to believe as a woman that our greatest asset to a man is access to sex, and today Max shares a little of what he has to say about all this. He blogs at MakeItMad.com and tweets at @MaxDubinsky. Max, I love you. – Lauren

I used to fantasize about being married. Not about having a house, a white picket fence, a steady job, and a beautiful wife and adoring kids to come home to. No, I fantasized about my marriage being one camera shy of an amateur porn film Hugh himself would have envied. And as a single man, I was an expert on marriage. Lots of sex makes a healthy marriage.

On my honeymoon, I was going to lock us away in a hotel for a week and live on nothing but sex and cigarettes. The beat generation would have been envious of my whiskey and oxytocin enduced spaceman prose, high and poetic off the aura of my Helen of Troy.

Because sex is as close to perfection as any of us will ever get. In theory, one could say this is why we seek so frequently seek copulation outside of marriage. Because everything: anxiety, stress, depression, all of it, whether you love that person or not, dissolves into the stratosphere for a few near-perfect seconds when you’re tangled beneath the sheets and around each other. No drug nor drink does anything quite like it. Of course, in the case of, say, a one night stand, the crash back to planet earth from the heavenly stars above is painful enough that the only cure is to become an astronaut again.

I knew the high. I was determined, destined, desperate, to safely orbit the the earth for the rest of my life.

Then I actually got married. A whirlwind romance I wouldn’t recommend to anyone who gets queasy on ferris wheels and other carnival rides that go round and round. We read our vows and committed the whole hoopla of our love in front of 14 other people and God Himself six months after we met in person, on a cliff. And our honeymoon – - 3 days in a Denver hotel where we instagrammed pictures, watched a movie starring Matthew McConaughey, had dinner with my family, and enjoyed a couple of root beer floats amongst other acceptable activities upon our undefiled marriage bed – - was not exactly something Ginsberg would have been compelled to write about.

3 days wasn’t a week, nor did we do anything no one had ever seen or experienced before, but I was in love and found it a success nonetheless. Next, we were going to have our own apartment in a new city. We were going to work from home, which meant sex in the morning, sex in the afternoon, and sex before bed. We could spend entire days naked and marveling at each other’s bodies.

Except we went from our hotel in Denver to living in the backwoods of Oregon for 3 months in a half-finished basement where the nearest neighbor was seven miles away and reports of Bigfoot ran rampant through town. It’s hard to be naked and having sex every night when someone is constantly walking around upstairs where the vents conveniently carry your cries of passion, and a big hairy apeman with a possible penchant for the voyeuristic is lurking right outside your window.

The sex will get better when we move to LA.

So we moved to LA. And got a place of our own. But that didn’t change the fact that my wife married a man who lives in constant speculation that a Zombie Apocalypse is around the corner, and her new home sits right on a fault line. I find it far more difficult to be protective of my wife when I’m not wearing pants, no matter how often I go to the gym. I’m convinced Adam didn’t cover up because he was ashamed, but because if he had to slay a lion for his beloved, defeating such a beast seems immensely more probable when your reproductive organs can’t be mistaken for a midmorning snack.

I’m not expert on being married. In fact, I know less about marriage now than when I was single, but I can tell you this: the sole value of a woman in a man’s life is not sex. Unfortunately, ask any single man, particularly Christian, and he’ll tell you how he can’t wait to have a wife so he can have sex.

Here’s the thing ladies and gentlemen, it turns out the value I find in my wife, my lady, my queen, is not how quick she is to jump in the sack and perform a marathon with me. (I’m sure I sound like a scumbag for believing that the most important part of being married having sex. It’s not that I didn’t think women were valuable, but I was so far gone from my pornography addiction, it makes it more difficult to see women are capable of anything else.)

The first thing God deemed “not good” was being alone. So he gave Adam someone to do life with, not someone to just, well, do.

My life is easier because of my wife. She works in the same industry I do, and she’s good at the things I am not. She’s the one business partner I can consult knowing that she has no one’s interest at heart but mine. She’ll choose an action movie over a romantic comedy, finds the show Archer both appalling and hilarious, is ready to go on an adventure at a moment’s notice, doesn’t get angry (but does get anxiety) when I give a homeless man our well-earned money, and on a Saturday night she is perfectly content Googling pictures of sea monsters and puppies with me while watching awful movies on Netflix.

Her value isn’t held in cooking dinners, cleaning the house, doing the laundry (tasks that I regularly do – ¬†with joy, I might add), or being readily available for sex, but in being herself. The woman God created her to be. “Herself” is the founder of this website; a leader with a heart for broken, young woman; a survivor of an abusive, controlling home; a storyteller, an artist, a photographer, a writer, a lover. These are the reasons I adore Lauren. These are the reasons she is valuable as a woman. These are the reasons I am crazy about her, and why men are crazy about their wives.

If you’re a woman and you’re reading this today, know that your value lies in precisely who God had in mind when he laid the foundations of this planet – and not solely in your body and your ability to satisfy a man.

Men, know that sex is the reward of healthy relationship with her – and not what makes her valuable. And tell her this.


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30 Responses

  1. THANK YOU.

    March 29, 2012 at 4:39 pm

  2. connienoelle

    THIS is beautiful. Thanks for sharing with the world one example of what true Biblical love looks like – a love for the person that transcends this world, knowing that they were created by Him and for Him.

    March 29, 2012 at 6:02 pm

  3. Anna

    WooHOOO!!!! :D

    March 29, 2012 at 6:30 pm

  4. Max, thank you(!) for your raw honesty and transparency–*excellent* post!

    March 29, 2012 at 7:10 pm

  5. kaleidoscopekm

    max, how could you have left out the fabulous week of living in our former-dining-room-now-study with the super sexy fold-out couch?? :0) we miss y'all. love you both bunches.

    March 29, 2012 at 10:47 pm

  6. Jane

    Oh man, the snack part sent me howling for awhile. Thanks for your article and candor. Needed that.

    March 29, 2012 at 10:47 pm

  7. lumilarose

    I loved your writing style. You remembered me a lot of myself. Especially the part about the beat generation.
    I second all you said. Well, from a woman's point of view, but still the same things more or less…

    March 29, 2012 at 10:48 pm

  8. Lisa G.

    This is beautiful! I wish I'd read it a long time ago and wish someone had made me feel this truth before my marriage (I haven't found it there either). Also "I find it far more difficult to be protective of my wife when I’m not wearing pants, no matter how often I go to the gym" killed me. Blessings to you.

    March 30, 2012 at 8:10 am

  9. This is so great. Thank you for sharing Max & Lauren! It's such a good reminder for men and women alike. We get so caught up in the idea of how great sex after marriage is going to be we miss the point.

    March 30, 2012 at 10:08 am

  10. stephindialogue

    loving it. In our two years together as newlyweds, we've both learned that intimacy is not confined to what happens under the sheets! It's in oneness, tenderness, and selflessness that can happen in the simplest of things.

    March 30, 2012 at 11:29 am

  11. idiot

    y'all are fucking terrible.

    March 30, 2012 at 7:35 pm

  12. Love it for so many reasons. (1) being I used to be that single person who thought marriage = sex. Now that I'm married it equals a LOT of things :)

    March 30, 2012 at 8:25 pm

  13. leeleegirl4

    This is such a great article. I love learning about marriage from those who are already married. Articles like this help me prepare my heart and mind for what hopefully will occur some time in my future.

    March 31, 2012 at 7:48 pm

  14. DanBode

    Amen brother! Very well said!

    April 6, 2012 at 5:17 pm

  15. :) love it!

    April 10, 2012 at 3:52 am

  16. aurala

    Awww thank you so much for writing this! there is hope!! woww!

    April 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm

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  18. Tara Ramirez

    Beautiful OMG seriously made me cry to think that we actually mean this much to some men. Awesome. However I have a question is it bad if I want more sex and affection than he does?

    May 30, 2012 at 4:20 pm

  19. K

    Im a pretty devout Christian and junior in college. I haven’t dated much since high school because I’m committed to dating only someone who is running after Jesus, no matter how imperfect they are. However I have recently felt far from God and found myself craving guys attention.. I’m in Australia for the summer so it is legal for me to drink and when going to the bars with friends I have started to find myself trying to dress hot to get attract guys attention. When I read this, I nearly broke down crying becaus it made me realize how far my heart and self worth have strayed from what God intended. I ended up journaling for an hour and repeating to myself out loud “I am not an object.” thank you thank you. So glad God happened to place this article in my path.. SO needed!

    July 31, 2012 at 5:42 pm

  20. JDT

    Hey bro, thanks for these words, much needed, especially in today's time.

    August 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

  21. rebecca w

    Excellent! Thank you!

    September 18, 2012 at 2:46 am

  22. Christy

    Thank you for this. My husband has been telling me for years that my value is not in my cooking dinner or in keeping a perfectly clean house. And I've never believed him. This is helping me start.

    October 4, 2012 at 10:15 pm

  23. anonymous

    My husband said he loved me the other day. I asked him what it was he loved about me. His response was, "I love you because you take care of me. The house is always clean, you make really good dinners, and you take care of Leroy (our dog)." I nearly broke down into tears. I have never felt so under-valued before. We've been married nearly a year and I feel like all I'm good for is to complete my wifely duties and satisfy my husband sexually. I crave to feel valued by the person that I am, not what I can do.

    December 10, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    • Sam

      He likely values you for who you are as well! This could just be his limited "guy-speak" hindering his ability to communicate more effectively.
      Dont jump to any negative assumptions! Give him the benefit of doubt!
      Don't give up hope!

      Tell him calmly, politely, RESPECTFULLY, and without accusation how you feel and how you want to be valued.
      Chances are, you will learn more from each other and improve your communication.

      Best wishes!

      January 3, 2013 at 2:51 pm

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  25. david

    Hey bro, thanks for these words, much needed, especially in today's time.
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    May 14, 2013 at 11:03 am

  26. My spouse said he liked me the other day. I requested him what it was he liked about me. His reaction was, "I really like you because you manage me. The home is always fresh, you create really excellent meals, and you manage Leroy (our dog)." I nearly split down into holes. I have never sensed so under-valued before. We've been wedded nearly a season and I experience like all I'm excellent for is to finish my wifely responsibilities and fulfill my spouse intimately. I desire to experience respected by the individual that I am, not what I can do.
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    May 15, 2013 at 8:52 am

  27. THIS is wonderful. Thanks for discussing with the globe one example of what real Spiritual really like looks like – a really like for the individual that goes beyond this globe, understanding that they were designed by Him and for Him.
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    May 22, 2013 at 3:19 pm

  28. max, how could you have remaining out the fantastic weeks time of residing in our former-dining-room-now-study with the extremely attractive fold-out couch?? :0) we skip y'all. really like you both bundles.
    Gold Coast

    May 24, 2013 at 12:06 pm

  29. Pingback: The List | Relationship Resource Kit

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