Sex, Secrets & Being Sought After
“…and you will be called Sought After, the City No Longer Deserted.” Isaiah 62:12
I don’t think any book about purity or sex that was shoved my way at church camp did justice to the truth in this verse. I fight back tears each time I read it, and let them fall as I savor its reality.
I remember the exact moment I became aware of my own body. I was a seventh grader at the pool with my best friend when she pointed out the boys our age looking over. At first I was delighted at the thought of male attention. Receiving it up until that point had never really occurred to me. To my great disappointment however, it was obvious that they were much more interested in her hour glassed figure than my boyish, flat chest had to offer, and in that instant, I began to allow my imperfections to define me.
This was only the beginning. My lack of interest in sports growing up had kept me from developing much athletic skill, so my parents were a little curious about my sudden interest in exercise, but it was nothing abnormal at first. I begged them to join a gym, and started counting calories, but I still wasn’t satisfied. Something was missing.
At about 100 pounds I entered my junior year of high school at an extreme self conscious level. I had not developed a full scale eating disorder, yet was unnaturally plagued with thoughts of looking fat in my size 0 jeans. A few months into that year, I met a boy who for the first time, seemed to enjoy how I looked. A few weeks in he was pushing the limit physically.
No one had prepared me for this. I had grown up in a church and knew that rules: no sex before marriage. I am not blaming the church for my ignorance, yet often wonder if further precautions would have aided me at that time.
Needless to say, the boy’s interest was fleeting, and I found myself entering into an even deeper state of insecurity. This time, dieting or exercise wasn’t enough. I had to have the physical affirmation.
This craving for attention left me spiraling into the hands of guy after guy. I would wake up in someone’s bed crying, and leave before they ever woke up. Other mornings, I remember leaving their bed for church or to go lead a bible study, and pulling myself together with a prayer for forgiveness in my car.
My world was a complete secret to my friends and family. Everyone except the guys involved. Looking back I sometimes wonder how those encounters arose so quickly. It was like I had entered into this network of people who wanted me for one thing alone, and otherwise could care less if I were alive or dead.
In an effort to break the awful guilty cycle I would try deleting numbers or blocking certain guys from calling. Instead, I would drive myself crazy and start initiating things myself if they didn’t contact me fast enough. This continued on for several years with more guys than I care to remember. On the outside, I was the happy, popular college girl who had it all together at church and at school. On the inside, I was broken.
I wish I could say there was a huge moment of transformation for me. Like one day I woke up and realized that God was bigger than this or that I was meant for more. Those things are undeniably true, but waking up one morning changed is not what my growing looked like.
For me, leaving this cycle of sexual sin and despair has been a process of believing the truth about myself and who God has made me to be.
I never doubted God’s love, but I doubted the vastness of it. A God that loved me enough to give Himself up for me does not sit idly by as I give myself away.
He fights for me.
Because I was created for satisfaction of my very soul, anything less than a Savior that fills that is worthless.
He is all.
Because I am designed to take part in the Glory of God, and because the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord lives inside of me, my soul will never be at rest until it is content bringing Him glory.
His plans for me are great.
The same Lord who is including me in His glory is also crazy about me. Not only is He in love with me, but He has changed my name. I am not broken, I am His.
I am Sought After.
The first time someone said some of those things to me, I stood unconvinced. The first time I read passages describing those truths, I felt convicted, but my promise to change was not kept. I am telling you that because I want you to be encouraged and hear that HE IS ENOUGH even when you don’t believe me yet. Even when you’re sitting there saying “yeah I know but I’m the exception.” You’re right. I don’t know your situation, but Jesus does and He is seeking your heart.
He is at work in you, and He won’t rest until He has you in His arms.
Be encouraged, sister, because Jesus is better..
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